It’s the last one and a half miles of the eight mile walk and the sun is out and the heat is on! As I lean into the slight incline of the sidewalk, I notice the swing of arms, the stride of legs, and the bouncy swish of hair in a pony tail. Who is that I seem to be chasing but never quite can catch? You guessed …my shadow! I walk a little faster…it walks faster…my shadow always staying one step ahead. Is it mocking me? I stop…it stops. I turn around and “walla”!! No shadow!! But alas, it has not left me. It waits patiently behind me…waiting for me to move another step…and yes, it attends my person as it reminds me of what shadows can represent within our growth as leaders. I turn around to complete my last leg of the journey (no pun intended) and my shadow accompanies me home.

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?” I saw it…clear as the sky that day. My shadow appeared, apparent on a surface that was concrete. However, what about the shadows that I try to “screen” in the attempt to protect or to shelter my fragile ego from harm? Or is it that I am really trying to conceal, to hide those things that I don’t want to put under the heading of “truth”? Ah, truths…why use my energy to look at that when white lies are so much easier to swallow? Because as the old adage says, “the truth will set you free”; truth erodes all rationalization and leaves the shadow standing and waiting to follow. Shadows should never lead leadership!

Hence, it’s best then that I acknowledge my “shadow”, just as Plutarch did when he said, “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better”. In addition, I would include “I don’t need a friend who conceals the truth, inhibits growth, and keeps me from becoming the very best I can be”! My need is for growth that stretches and creates a tension whereby my shadows are bound by awareness and truth. It is so easy to keep in obscurity shadow areas that inhibit becoming and living who we are…the best of who we are! And we believe that in shading those areas from our view (and from others) we can go through our daily lives and not let it “ghost” our leadership. Sounds like silly behavior as I look into the mirror of my own insecurities and fears.

My question then is…”has anyone seen Trudy?”…or have I revealed only a shadowed phantom as I have tried to construct a life of perfection? I have this idea that people will only fall in love with the real me if I leave behind my bumbling ineptness and my painful vulnerabilities. Do they see my “shadow” as I walk…or the pain that I try to avoid…or the sense of belonging I crave?

We have the strange idea that we are loved and accepted only for our superb strength, mystical powers, or far-reaching competencies. How self-righteous we are to try and turn ourselves into mini gods. I am, continually, surprised as I go through life that real, undying loyalty to “truth” as a leader can never be legislated or coerced. Faithful leadership comes from a courageous vulnerability.

I am tired of the “cloak of invisibility”; tired of observing the aloneness that constrains….the avoidance of activities that could engender opportunities to give instead of take…the human relationships we waste that could enrich life. We are so misguided if we believe that work is the be all and end all of life…even with the obsession of the glamour or rewards we think it brings. After work, whatever humanity we have hidden in our work returns again for reconciliation. We all have shadows that we must face and attend to in the light of truth.

My private kingdom isn’t perfect, and coming home to family and to the intimacy required is full of constraints of time and energy. However, I believe that we forget the privilege of marriage, of the person we wooed; we forget the responsibility of raising children, of the quality and quantity of time to interact and guide. We walk through the door of our homes, hindered by the shadow that hides behind the lies that to place our needs above others is the right thing because it makes us “feel” better. After all, we deserve to be happy too, right? Choices made today, tomorrow, and a week from now may not always be perfect on the scale of faithful leadership. However, my shadow will not lead; neither will it be the anchor to what I know is right and true!!

What about you and your shadow? Go take it for a walk…reflect on what you see…and then choose, light to illuminate or shade to cloak your fears. It will define who you are, how you live and lead…and that will be visible.